I decided to set aside a day during this blog tour where I would give bloggers the chance to share their experiences with bullying. I know for a fact that by just getting good grades in school and wanting to do well can put you on the receiving end of a lot of not-so-nice comments. I've been in this position; I've never exactly 'fit-in' with the people who surround me on a daily basis. I mean, I love to read and that can be seen as 'un-cool' but, I receive comments about 'having no life.' My argument to that is all the amazing people I have when I turn on my computer that give my confidence a huge boost; the events I get to go to are worth it all as I meet the authors that inspire me to be a better writer.
The problem though, seems to be me. I don't get comments from people I don't spend time with; instead I get them from the people who are supposed to be my 'friends.' This hurts a lot. To sum it up, there are/were five of us, and I'm always the one left out. I had a best-friend who I spent the time talking to but, sadly she left school. I think anyone who has had a best friend leave school knows how hard it is to ever really fit-in again. I mean, she left in Year Eight - which means I was thirteen and by then, in school, everyone has their groups which you can't just 'join'. What I'm trying to say is, even though having my closest friend leave was good when it came to growing as a person, because I had to talk to new people more, it meant that - and still does mean - I'm the one who is most likely to wander around on her own.
More recently though, it has been a case of these four people against me. It's a really horrible feeling to find yourself with nobody to talk to because the people you have spent nights worrying-about have suddenly turned against you and have not a single nice thing to say about you. I've been sworn at by them, and had so many different insults: spaz, retard, you-have-no-life, nerd and various one's that I can't say because I'm not the biggest fan of swearing.
If being 'picked on' has helped me in any way, I know better than to call someone a 'retard' or a 'spaz' as it's so shallow. I've also had times where these people would accidently touch my pencil case, or rub shoulders with me and they would start going "I TOUCHED HER! EW, EW, EW!" I'd say that is the one thing I hate the most. There's no reason for it; just that they feel they have a right to say/do those things. I don't know why, when I never say anything to them that would make them feel down. If I did, I know they would come back a lot stronger than I was! There has also been a time recently when these 'friends' of mine felt the need to go and complain about me - for doing absolutely nothing. I spent the whole day upset and hiding away in whatever teachers' room I could stay in.
I was having lunch a few weeks ago when someone said, ' You're eating again?' - this hurt. It's not that I was eating a lot either, I think it was to do with another sandwich. I choose not to eat with the group of people I did eat with anymore. There are comments that really do stick-in-your-heard, and times you really feel down. Countless times I've sat there while meals-out, and trips to the local ice-rink or cinema have been arranged around-me. I've been told bluntly "I'm not coming" so, had to spend the night in watching all the pictures being posted onto Facebook. I did take it into my hands to Block these people...as they do seem to hate me.
I've had to grow-up around not-fitting-in, having comments made about me and being laughed at. I've had to deal with comments even from teachers(as I spent a lot of time off school when I was younger with a few small health-problems). I went through times of feeling the need to fit-in badly, and wanting to be part of the 'cool-group' as these were the people who never did have a hard time. Although one thing I've told myself time-after-time is that, on Results Day, I'll be the one smiling. I think that's the one thing everyone needs, something to aim for and work towards. As well as blogging, or a hobby where it's your turn to give and receive comments that you like to get. Honestly, though, I feel like I have never been 'bullied' exactly, more just the type of person that has never wanted to follow the crowd but to just be myself and have nobody change that. Yes, I've been insulted but, slowly I'm learning to deal with it. I can't say I've been bullied though because, I know people that have been through much, much worse. I feel like the people who are mean to me drive me to do better, as I'm more determined to make sure I show them what I can do.
One day, I will look them in the eye and say, 'Thanks for never inviting me out with you, and putting me down, because I had the time to write this' *holds up book* I was actually listening to the conservation my old 'friends' were having today and was thankful to be sitting on the outside.